I spent the last two months traveling for work. I don’t have a “home” right now, but rather multiple beds in multiple countries. It is a certain kind of freedom that I quietly worked hard to obtain. A goal realized. And yet…
Uranus began its very long transit in the sign of Taurus this past spring. I felt its effects immediately as it was now firmly planted in my 8th House and squaring my Venus upon arrival. I was soon awakened to the very real conflicts between my signature “easy breezy” romantic- verging-on-platonic love nature (Venus in the 11th) and the sudden shocking need for MORE drag-you-down-to-the-depths-with-me intimacy (T. Uranus in the 8th). with a heavy dose of psychic upheaval. A sort of slow, roiling discomfort began to take hold of me – was I getting enough out of my friendships, relationships… enough out of “love”?
The timing couldn’t be worse. Transiting Saturn and Pluto are in hard aspect to my natal Moon and IC. I’m not only being asked to redefine my definition of love, but also being asked to clarify my emotions in the most wrenching and compulsive ways. Add on a summer of intense eclipses and a sprinkle of past trauma and abandonment issues, and that ladies and gentlemen is my own private little hell of a summer. I have chosen to shelve my ego during this period and to speak with honesty and clarity regardless of the outcome. This is how I’ve kept myself stable in all of this instability – anything kept trapped inside me only slows down the purging process.
My roots as a social scientist create the imperative in me to use my relationships as a laboratory for the body of research I’ve been compiling over the years. This summer I have gone into the archives and pulled up old files of people and relationships I could just never figure out. I chose to go back and test and retest to see what really laid at the heart of these experiences – what was really love, what was lust, what was real, what was an illusion. I even went after the sore spots, the Chironic injuries I knew I had contributed to in my haphazard handling of others hearts in the past, to try to make amends and do what I knew would heal the karma. Then a funny thing happened…
One significant, albeit casual, relationship partner I had wounded and thought I’d never speak with again became my personal albatross, as he would not accept my apology. He wouldn’t respond to any offer I made and this perplexed me to no end. Wasn’t that the natural order of things? Ask for forgiveness, receive it, mend? It wasn’t being received and that made me pause and ask why.
The answer came to me after some deep meditation – he had been in love. I didn’t see it then because I was wrestling with my own demons and had convinced myself if I kept my love for him to myself, no one would get hurt. He had been in love, and my ability to leave without warning was incredibly wounding to him. His inability to forgive me and understand that I meant no harm is incredibly wounding for me. Our synastry is heavy with Saturn and Jupiter – a lot of dependency, loyalty, and expecting things to always work out no matter what. I see Saturn’s hand all over this and the lesson is now etched into my soul: honesty and clarity no matter the outcome. And be very careful around your partner’s Chiron – know what it is and protect it no matter what. I’m pretty determined to win him over, regain his trust, but more importantly to do the internal work so that when he does return I don’t make the same mistake again. Or maybe Moon / t. Pluto wants me to let go. I guess time will tell.